Gidday, Humphrey here. Actually, it’s become just Humpf, with quite an emphasis on the pffff, so it sounds like Humpffffffff. I don’t mind. I know it’s me when she makes that sound.
But do you know what? There’s another cat just up the hill who looks exactly like me. True! He came down this morning and started making moaning noises. I joined in because I thought it was a community sing-a-long. I was also able to get a good look at him. He’s older than me and a bit bigger, not quite as handsome, of course, but when I look at him it’s like looking at myself. Spooky isn’t it.
Something else I have to say, I’m just fed up with all the rain. I was promised the joys of spring, you know, butterflies and buzzing things, but so far I’ve had to entertain myself with flies. There’s no shortage. Silly things, they fly into the glass, act stupid, then I bat them with my paw and they fall down on their backs and spin around with their legs in the air. Makes me laugh.
Jumping for them is more fun as I really get to show off my sophisticated acrobatics. I leap high in the air – four times my body height, mind (you try doing that!) – turn midway through the leap, land on all feet exactly where I want to (mostly), jump again, then when the fly falls, roll and tumble, do a fully extended body stretch to make the fly think I’ve lost interest, then double pounce at the speed of lightening, flick the silly thing in the air then start the paw-on-fly game until I lose interest. Sometimes I just gobble it up to get it over and done with. What the hell. Extra bit of meat. But back to me, please – the moves truly show off my athleticism. You know, I was thinking, if ever there was an animal Olympics – and the world is mad enough to have one from what I can see – I’d be first in line. Reckon I’d nail the high-jump mid-air twist routine, and I’d throw in a couple of paw-fives while I was at it. I saw some silly human doing that on TV, jump high with a pole, do a little jig, pump the fist and finish in a forward roll. HaHa.
I am not, understand NOT allowed to even think about birds. Mother has put this collar on me with a tinkling bell. It’s so annoying. I managed to slip it off once, but she found it and stuck it back on. Next time I’ll hide it! Mind you, I’ve been hearing some disturbing stories at night, all to do with birds …
Apparently, there’s this big ogre out there called Gareth. I’ve heard on the grapevine that he goes around stuffing cats into bags, and taking them to god knows where, so if he turns up, I’ll run a mile. Luckily, he’s old, so I’ll be faster than him, and with a bit of of luck he’ll trip over his big moustachy thingy and all his pussy booty will spill out of the bag and run free. TeeHee Miaow Miaow! But imagine if I came back from the Anima-lympics with a shiny medal around my neck. Gareth would want to buddy up then wouldn’t he?
I’ve learnt a lot since living here and rarely think of my home back with Michelle at the SPCA. She was a good woman, but it’s much cushier here. I’m king of the castle and can sit on any chair I want. I’m not allowed on the bed but I like playing ambush around it, you know, stalking my mum’s legs when she makes the bed and jumping on her. She does this funny little shriek, and I run away, then sneak back in and do it again!
Oh, oops, sorry, I nodded off. I’m back onto it now. You know, I’ve got used to people popping in to see me. I usually scrounge a cuddle or two from them, but you can tell some people just don’t like cats. Are they mad? We are the best de-stressors a human can have. What you do is pour yourself a glass of wine, get a little dish with salted peanuts in it, then sit somewhere comfy. I come along and sit by you and all you have to do is stroke me gently with one hand while swigging the wine and snuffling the peanuts. It’s something about the stroking that takes all your stress away I think. Or … what’s in that glass anyway? It stinks. I don’t mind a lick of salt though when I can get it.
I’m off for another nap now. It’s mid-afternoon and all nice and quiet and I’ve yakked my head off for long enough. I’ll find a sunny spot and listen to the breeze rustling in the trees. Aren’t you envious?