Humpf gets a spot on Shared Kitchen

It’s about time I got a guest spot on here again. What with all the attention that Grumpy Cat gets, and all the other imposters on Instagram… haven’t they heard about Wet Cat? Shower Cat? Flexicat? Yes, that’s ME.

I had no idea that it could get so hot in these parts, made worse I guess because I’ve got lovely long hair and such a gorgeous bushy tail. That’s not what I say, I’m quite modest, really, it’s just what I hear people saying all the time, so I suppose it’s true. Anyway, I get stinking hot what with all the little pebbles and tiles around here, and there’s no grass, you hear me NO GRASS at my place. Apparently, that’s a good thing as that’s where all the fleas come from. Common, if you ask me, rolling around in grass picking up fleas. I’m flea-free and like it that way. But back to the heat … I’m not really one of those cats to bask in the sun all day. I prefer to be cool. Yes, I’m a cool cat …

Well, one day, she came at me with a green can full of water, and I thought, ‘uh-oh, what’s this all about’. Before I knew it, she had sort of rubbed me up and down along the spine with cold water, and you know what? It felt amazing! I mean, AMAZING! I felt so cool, like, really really cool, even a bit chilly because I got a shock, but it was just lovely, all tingly and exhilarating. She rubbed up all my fur so it was sticking up like god knows what, then some little puffs of breeze – you know those darling ones called ‘zephyrs’ – came along and blew along my fur and made me feel beautifully cool and fresh. Zephyrs on my fur! HaHa! Well, I just loved it. I had a good clean up after on the steps and later I got a thorough brushing, right down to my toes. Bit of all right I thought.

Now it is a regular thing. I don’t exactly know how to ask for a shower – I haven’t got the purr-language sussed yet – so sometimes I just sit by the can, and she’ll see me sooner or later.

But if she’s too busy tapping at that keyboard thing (what’s that about?), I come inside when it is hot and flop on the floor and pant and do a pathetic sort of silent cry. It doesn’t always get her attention. When it fails I have to nip her toes. Just gently, like a sort of love bite. Or simply roar, “I’m bored! I’m hot! What about me!” Invariably, she’ll get up and fill the watering can – oh, and I spring up and race her outside, just bursting with excitement because I can’t wait for the can to be filled. Then I just stand there while she showers me. She gets annoyed if she has to chase me. She makes me come back to her if I want more, which I always do, so I’ve learnt I may as well just stay in one place. She pours it all along my spine, back and forwards, on my tail, up and down, and on my head (that was a bit spooky at first), then rolls me over and does my tummy. Summer and swimming, two words that go together. I just love them. I know I’ve said that already …but if I could just get her to add a sardine to those two words … summer, swimming, sardines. Zzzzzzzzzz.

Ewhhh. I’ve woken with a start. I think it’s time for my wet food. Yes, I have dry food and wet food. I like my wet food about 4.30, mostly because I’m a bit bored then, and sometimes I only give it a lick, especially if it is fridge cold. But I come back to it and gobble it up. Do you know she puts my bowl inside a bigger dish filled with water? That’s not for me to drink. I have a smarter bowl for that. But it’s to drown the pesky ants that try and get to it before me. It’s like a moat. I think it’s a great idea. No flies on my mum (that she can see anyway).

Anyway, she was talking about giving me a gallery. I’m not sure what that is, but I think it is to show me off having a shower. All she has to do – and I can be right up in the bush – is tap on that watering can and I scoot down for my shower. Sometimes she has people there, and she’s always sticking a camera at me. I don’t mind at all as long as it doesn’t hold up showering.